Toxic Relationships

The subject of today’s post might surprise you a bit, but as I talk to women all over the country, this question keeps coming up. “How do I handle the people in my life who are so hurtful right now, especially if they are completely oblivious?” What about the friends who make those strange comments like, “Why aren’t you over it yet?” or “Have you thought about remarrying yet?” or this one – “How do I tell my adult kids that I’m not totally incompetent and they don’t need to run my whole life just because their dad is gone?” What we refer to as “toxic relationships” is something that can be very subtle and often goes unrecognized but managing them must be a necessary component of our self-care plan during our grief recovery time.

So, let’s start with a definition. That’s always a good place to begin.

Any relationship can be toxic for you if it makes you feel worse rather than better! This includes relationships that make you feel unsupported, misunderstood, belittled, or attacked. Basically, a toxic relationship one that threatens your well-being physically, emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically.

Because grief impacts a widow in such a profound way, she is apt to be more susceptible to negative emotions than would normally be the case. This is a time when family members, or even good friends, can intentionally or unknowingly make comments or do things that are deeply wounding. Toxic or painful relationships can be found in any environment, but work, friend groups, and families are natural breeding grounds because of all the interpersonal dynamics. These relationships can be extremely stressful if they aren’t managed in a healthy way.

God created us for relationships, so we can’t very well avoid all people! Even He is in relationship within the Trinity! We are not meant to be alone. Throughout our life, relationships help us define our identity and determine how we view ourselves. This can be particularly challenging for widows who have likely viewed themselves as half of a partnership for many years. Often our identity is found in who our spouse was. When he is gone, other relationships are waiting to swoop in on the waves of grief and attempt to redefine who we are without him.

This can be either good or bad. A positive relationship can be a sounding board, a refuge, and moral support. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, can destroy your self-image, your self-confidence, and your ability to be all that God has in mind for you.

The next logical question to ask would be, “How do I know if a relationship is bad for me?” One of the most fundamental ways to spot a dysfunctional relationship is to evaluate whether the behaviors exhibited are negative or positive. Is the atmosphere around someone filled with constant complaining, critical remarks, and overall negativity? Being around a continually negative person can influence us to let our own insecurities take over such that we begin to question all of our responses and decisions. Widows who are already struggling with self-confidence certainly don’t need any additional emotional undermining going on!

Although every family on earth is dysfunctional at some level (because we are all broken by sin), there are families where the painful relationships of the past are so intense that some family members become intentionally rude or hurtful to the new widow. An example of this might be when the adult children are step-children from a former marriage. Or perhaps someone actually blames the widow for her husband’s death! Some widows are no longer allowed to even see new babies or grandchildren! Occasionally, the family dynamics have been unhealthy long-term, and a particular family member may choose to intentionally target or manipulate the widow, who is already struggling with her own grief.

How do we identify a toxic relationship? Do we need a list? Let’s contrast the characteristics of Toxic relationships and Healthy Biblical relationships:

Characteristics of Toxic Relationships: Critical, Jealous, Needy, Put-downs, Unsupportive, Demanding, High Expectations, Unappreciative, Impatient

Biblical Characteristics of Good relationships: Accepting, Trusting, Giving, Encouraging, Supportive, Forgiving, Grateful, Patient.

If someone is causing real damage to your overall mental health or well-being, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Did you know that the Bible has a great deal to say about relationships? Consider this verse:

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of diffs, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with coniculty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parentceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” — 2 Timothy 3:1-5

Sound familiar? The Bible clearly instructs us to avoid people who demonstrate these toxic characteristics. I’d be the first to admit, though, that it’s not always possible to completely eliminate someone from your life! What if it’s your boss, or a close family member? Or even one of your own children? In cases like that, the next best option is to seriously limit the time we spend with them. This may feel “mean”, or maybe you think it’s not necessary, but remember that this is part of your own self-care.

Take time to evaluate the relationships in your life, give yourself grace, create space when you need it, and pay attention to those people God will bring into your life during this time. They may be bringing gifts to you that will last a lifetime!

Como siempre, sus pensamientos y comentarios son bienvenidos aquí o puede enviarme un correo electrónico a sheryl@freshhope.us. Si está buscando un nuevo propósito y un camino para seguir adelante, considere unirse a uno de nuestros grupos de Refocusing Widows, ya sea en persona o en línea. Puede registrarse en www.refocusingwidows.org/Groups. ¡Esperamos conocerle!

Toxic Relationships

Toxic Relationships

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