Have a Resilient Thanksgiving!

Have a Resilient Thanksgiving!

Wait! Shouldn’t that say, “Happy Thanksgiving!”? That would be the usual holiday greeting, but today  we’re going to look at how our level of resiliency impacts the way we deal with the holidays. At the core of our being, we all have a longing to return to better times that perhaps stems from our loss of Paradise in the Garden of Eden. How we manage that sense of loss, and how we seek to restore “normalcy” in our lives depends largely upon our level of internal resiliency.

So, let’s start this discussion with a definition: “Resilience is the process … of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.” American Psychological Association — Adapted from the APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Essentially, resiliency describes the degree to which we are able to change, adapt, or recover from a stressful life experience. With the holidays on the near horizon, we are all tempted to reminisce about what we used to have – traditions we loved, children to give the sparkle to Christmas, family times together. Our hearts yearn to return to those days, or at the very least, to attempt to re-create those special times. What every widow needs to embrace is that these traditions will never again be the same, no matter how much we wish it were so. Changing, embracing, and adapting have now become the norm for every aspect of the holidays – and, in fact, of life!

Thanksgiving is the event that initiates a season focused on family and tradition. Because Thanksgiving is also a time that focuses on gratitude, it can be extremely challenging to reconcile our pain and loss with our desire to find blessings for which we can be grateful. Holiday triggers can come out of nowhere. Favorite foods, a favorite Christmas carol, shopping, decorating the Christmas tree alone…..doing all the things that he used to do in preparation for the holidays. Even having that one person missing from around the table can make the loss seem so much more profound. We find ourselves surrounded on every side with images of children playing with new toys, happy families, and fun-filled social events. Even the television is filled with cheerful music, energetic commercials, and yes – Hallmark movies! Somehow, this doesn’t resonate with our reality in the face of deep loss.

In the past several years, I’ve talked with hundreds of women who are all experiencing varying degrees of resiliency in the face of losing a spouse. Most would say that the sense of loss, and the occasional triggering situation never quite go away. However, we do have choices. We can ruminate over what we don’t have, or we can turn our thoughts and energy towards embracing a new season, building our personal resiliency, and perhaps even finding joy again!

How do we do that effectively? That’s a good question! Two areas that we can pay significant attention to are learning coping skills to deal with the triggers, and being intentional about self-care during the holidays. Learning to plan ahead is an important coping skill to help widows manage those holiday triggers. We all know that not much in life really happens by accident. Most events and experiences take a little planning.

I recently found myself feeling a little blue about all the changes that have happened to our holidays since the grandkids have grown up, and Dave is gone. The longer I thought about it, the more depressed I felt! At that point, I made a decision. I began to take charge of things. I started planning what the holidays are going to look like for me this year. Out came the Christmas music on YouTube, out came the Hallmark Movies, some new decorations have been added, plans for outdoor lights are in the works, and events are on the calendar that wouldn’t have happened even last year! Planning ahead for those situations that can bring unexpected triggers is an essential survival skill.

Another coping skill that can be helpful when you find yourself caught off guard, or overwhelmed with a wave of grief, is to just take a few deep breaths. Allow yourself to embrace whatever emotions are coming up at the time. There really is no normal after the loss of a spouse. What you feel is simply what you feel. It may be sadness, or maybe waves of nostalgia – longing for things to be as they once were. Allowing yourself to really FEEL the emotions will soften them and make them more manageable. You will find by giving yourself grace, you’re actually building resiliency. Returning to stability and peace will begin to happen much more quickly.

And, what about self-care? We’ve talked many times about the significance of taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Many times in the rush of the holidays, our self-care tends to fall by the wayside. We overload on sugar, we skip exercise times, we burn the candle at both ends—resulting in inadequate sleep! The outcome of this is that we run the risk of physical sickness or emotional depression. This may require some intentionality, but be sure to take care of yourself during the upcoming holidays. Don’t skip the basics: food, water, exercise, and rest. And take time out from the rush if you find you’re feeling a little exhausted and overwhelmed. There is no law that says you simply MUST attend everything – or even do everything you used to do!

Moving into the holiday season with this balanced approach of planned coping skills and self-care will build resiliency internally and externally. Navigating the holidays provides challenges for all of us, but this can become especially difficult when grief is added to the mix. Give yourself grace, and center your thoughts and emotions back on the real reason for all the celebration.

Jesus’ stable wasn’t decorated with twinkle lights, although He did have a massive star! Mary and Joseph didn’t send out birth announcements, although His birth was definitely announced! There was no Christmas cantata at church or school, but a choir of angels sang at his birth! Keeping our focus on Him and His eternal purpose helps us to stay centered. With that as our anchor, all the rest of the seasonal activities can truly become a joyful celebration.

At the start of another holiday season, remember to intentionally plan for those situations that will catch you unaware, and for your personal self-care. Keep your focus and enjoy all the activity! As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome here or you can email me at sheryl@freshhope.us. If you’re looking for a new purpose and a pathway to move ahead, please consider joining one of our Refocusing Widows groups, either in person or online. You can register at www.refocusingwidows.org/Groups. We look forward to meeting you!